Just Walk Across the Room

As a class we spent the past week reading through the book Just Walk Across the Room by Bill Hybels. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, the thoughts, the concepts and the challenges it brought.  I would recommend this book to anyone who would like to learn more about sharing their faith and how to go about it. Hybels focuses mainly on leaving your “circle of comfort” and jumping into the “zone of the unknown”-scary, I know- The thing is, is that you don’t know what will happen when the circle of comfort is broken and you walk across the room, what amazing things might take place with the Spirit leading.                                                                                                                                                                                                      I have been blessed to have opportunities to share my testimony and faith to some amazing audiences. What I struggle with is sharing my testimony one on one with someone else. How much do I share? Do I just start at the beginning? How much time do they have to spare? Hybels does a very solid job of explaining the power of a story. What are the characteristics of a “good” story and what are the characteristics of a “bad” one? I am learning to keep my testimony short and sweet, be aware of my audience and what they would get out of it, and leave room for questions. He also touched on the importance of each of our stories, he says, “God made you exactly as you are. He wired you and gave you the temperament and the experience and the background that you have because he wanted someone just like you in this world right now.” Are you going through your day looking for spots in the “zone of the unknown”?                                        

As I was reading, I kept having thoughts on where do I begin, how do I even know where the “zones of the unknown” are, will I know when I have an opportunity? Did I miss some opportunities? As much as I was worrying about these little things, I had an opportunity this past weekend to share my testimony with my small group. I kept it short and sweet, said the important parts and actually did it in about eight minutes. The girls asked questions afterward and I felt I got my main points across. I am excited for times in the future where I hope I can “walk across the room” for someone and make adifference.                                                                                                                                                                                                      

I’m going to leave you with a challenge from Hybels, “I challenge you to take the risk to sideline your own agenda and discover other people’s stories no matter how uncomfortable you get, how awkward the situation becomes, or how heavy the sin is that you’re sorting through them.”                                    

This is my last post for this class, but I plan to continue this blog, it helps me sort through things, gives me accountability and I hope helps you who are reading it. God bless all of you, and thanks for reading it, get excited, God does amazing things!

Community

This week I practiced "Community" as my focus. Each day I chose a place or a person who I felt the need to pray for. I ended up writing in my journal what I felt I needed to pray for.

Wednesday the 17th I prayed for The DOCK ministry. This is an after school ministry that gives a place for kids to go after school for a couple hours on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. The kids play games, do crafts, get fed a small meal, and taught a Bible lesson. I prayed for their financial needs to be met and for them to prosper and grow even larger. I prayed for the leaders and volunteers that faithfully give of their time week after week. For the kids, for them to grow in their knowledge or the Lord. For them to know what a Christian community really is.

Thursday The 18th I prayed the Equest Center. A place where kids and adults with special needs and disabilities ride horses. This is a place where I have grown to love and appreciate. It has allowed me to give back to the community, for all it has done for me. I thanked God for the four legged angels who day after day give kids and adults the hope they need. I prayed for the volunteers and the staff that give of their time and energy to help others achieve the goals they may never have thought they would succeed.

Friday I prayed for my sister Mikayla. Mikayla is a sophmore at South Christian High School and had made all- conference for her swim team. She made a difficult decision to not swim at State in one of her events due to some circumstances. She went against what the "world's view" and made the decision to do what Jesus would do. I thanked God for giving me such an amazing sibling, someone who has been with me through the thick and thin of life and has always encouraged me. On Friday she swam in the state meet and did a great job. She is such a leader and amazing role model.

Saturday I prayed for my parents. I have been blessed with a wonderful mom and dad, and I spent time in prayer just thanking God for my family. I prayed for my mom as she is finishing up the final projects with her Kindergartens before the Thanksgiving break. I thanked God for the times where I can go to her for advice or to just vent and I know she will just listen. I prayed for my dad as he has so much on his plate with work, finishing up our barn and just being there for his family. I thanked God for blessing me with an amazing dad, someone who is so strong and always there for us.

Sunday I thanked God for a day of rest. I was able to take a nap and focus fully on resting in Him. I thanked Him for an amazing Church where I am challenged and grow every week.

Monday I gave thanks to God for my friends. I thanked him for my small group of nine girls who all play a special role in not only my life but each of our lives. I was thankful for this past Saturday where we took time to share our testimonies with each other. I am thankful for my relationships in my life. For the family relationships, the friend relationships, the significant other relationship. God has put some amazing people in my life, people that challenge me, support me, and respect me, for that, I am most grateful.

Tuesday I prayed for Kuyper College. I prayed for the students, for peace, for support, and for the ability to continue their hard work as we near the end of the semester. I thanked God for the college itself, for the supportive and encouraging atmosphere it brings. I thanked God for the professors, their knowledge and their gifts. Each of the professors I have had are challenging me to grow in my own ways, I am so thankful for all of them.

Today, I prayed for the United States. I prayed for our president, for him to make wise choices. This was the most challenging for me as I do not agree with what he believes and does. It humbled me to take the time and pray for him. I prayed for those fighting for our country overseas, I prayed for their families back home, for safety and for comfort.

Blessings.

Revival

Charles Spurgeon says, "To say, 'I will revive myself,' reveals that you do not know your true state. If you knew your own true state, you would just as soon expect a wounded soldier on the battlefield to heal hiumself without medicine, or get himself to a hospital when his arms and legs have been shot off as you would expect to revive yourself without the help of God."

It is hard for me to put into words how I feel Christians these days are living. We call ourselves Christians, we try to act a certain way, go to Church, pray before meals, read our Bibles, but what is our personal relationship with Christ really like. Are we crying out for guidence, a revival? Habbakuk prayed, "O Lord, revive thy work." Habbakuk was groaning, he was in need of a radical change. It is only God who can perfect the Church, it is only God who can guide and strengthen our personal walk and relationship with Him. We cannot change our way of life by our little ol selves, and who think he can, is missing the point. Only God can work wonders in our lives.

We need to deny ourselves, to fully give over our lives to God and groan for a revivial, a change in each of our lives. We need to give up all hope of reviving our own selves and stand firm in prayer handing over what we cannot do ourselves, over to God.

Blessings on your revival and the strengthening of your personal relationship with our Lord and Savior.

Taking up my Cross

For my spiritual discipline this week, I practiced Devotions for my personal discipline and in class we practiced Scripture and Memorization. On Monday we read through Mark 8- Jesus feeding the multitudes- and we chose a part of that passage to memorize and to ponder throughout the week. We didn’t read Mark 8 from out personal Bibles but we read it like a narrative. Prof. Maddox typed it out without any verse numbers and like a story. How funny that a little change in the way I read a Bible passage changed the way I took it all in. We read it several times each time looking at it in a different perspective. I kept thinking if I were one of the twelve disciples how I would be acting when Jesus was telling me that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by others. What would I be feeling? I was also challenged highly of the three continuous commands God give us. 1. To deny oneself. 2. Take up his cross. 3 Follow Him. These aren’t suggestions they are commands and ones you can’t follow merely a week or a month or a year, but commands that will go with us the rest of our lives.

 I chose to memorize verse 34 and 34, “Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.” Once again it reminds me let go of worldly things, and focus solely on God. To deny MY plans for life and focus only on the will of God.

I want to share a little bit about one of my devos this week. It’s called “A Lifetime Message”, a devotional in the book Holiness Day by Day, by Jerry Bridges, this book was given to me by a friend and I purely blessed by it. This one was based on the need and emphasis the gospel has on our everyday lives as Christians. Like my previous post about the struggle of getting into a habit of reading the scriptures daily and making the time to focus on what they mean for my life, I need the gospel; I need the Word of God every day. I want to be prepared to disciple, to bring the message of God to others, and the only way I can be prepared to do so, is the motivation and encouragement of the gospel.

Word of God

E. Stanley Jones in an excerpt of The Habit of Reading the Bible Daily illustrates the receptive and response rhythm of Jesus’ three habits. First, he read the word of God by habit. Second, he prayed by habit. And third, he passed on to others by habit of what he had, and what he had found.

On a personal level, I know I do not have a healthy and strong habit of reading my Bible. It comes in handy for my classes at Kuyper and in Church on Sunday when I’m taking notes and underlining part of the passage the sermon is on, but in my everyday life it goes by the way side. Dr. Howard Atwood Kelly says, “The Bible vindicates itself because it is such excellent medicine. It has never failed to cure a single patient if only he took his prescription honestly.” As someone who has lived in the medical world for several years dealing with health issues, and learning about how quote on quote, laughter is the best medicine, I really took to heart what Dr. Kelly is saying. Reading the Word of God daily is also the best medicine, and Christians should subscribe to this prescription and take it daily.

“We are Spiritual as we are prayerful; no more, no less.” What a statement, and boy did it hit me hard. I have been trying to focus really hard on my prayer life. I didn’t want it to just consist of when I got up in the morning, before each meal, occasionally with a friend, and then again when the day is finished. I want it to become an open conversation with God. I want it to become a habit where I feel comfortable with going to God any time throughout the day or night.

 Jones says “It is a law of the mind that that which is not expressed dies. If you don’t share it you won’t have it.” I think about Sunday mornings after I hear a message or after a Union (my college career group) night, and what I do in the coming days after. Am I passing on what I learned, am I making an effort to change after being given a challenge from my pastor? Am I taking the time to be an example to others? How am I passing on the Gospel or knowledge that was given to me?

Jones tells a story of a Christian school teacher living in Africa would go off on the weekends and drink. One night after becoming drunk he went into a native hut and slept. When he woke up there was a man sitting next to his bed. The man asked the teacher who he was and was told he was a Christian. The teacher than asked the man who he was and got this response, “I’m not a Christian, but if I were, I wouldn’t be living the way you are-I’d really live as a Christian.” Are we living as Christians? This happened to me just a week ago. I was sitting down with some friends and happened to be introduced to another girl. To my surprise said she saw me almost every weekend line dancing on Friday nights throughout the summer. As I left the group later, and was walking to my car, I had to stop and think. I did spend almost every weekend line dancing this summer. I haven’t gone out in a couple months, but that’s beside the point. The girl didn’t recognize me from Kuyper College (where we met) but from a bar. It was then I realized I didn’t want people to recognize because they saw me at some bar, or they saw me dancing. My mom has always said, “you are who you hang around with.” Who are you hanging around? How are you living your life? How do others perceive you?

Fasting

As a class we practiced the spiritual discipline of fasting this week. I know several people who fast regularly, but had never participated in it myself. I never thought much of the practice, or the importance. Adele Calhoun says, "Fasting reminds us that we care about "soul" things. We care about the church. We care about the world. We care about doing God's will. Thus we willingly set aside a little comfort so we can listen and attend to the voice and nourishment of God alone. For God can give us grace and comfort and nurture we cannot get on our own." This paragraph touched on the fact, we as humans are unable to fully fill ourselves. Only God can fill us. John 6:35 says, Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Fasting allowed me to realize just that, God wants us to fully rely on Him, to take the pressure off of ourselves and give it all to him.

 Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases,
 who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. od's will.
       ---Psalm 103:1-5

Faith in Routines

Jesus is part of our everyday lives, I know thats a common sense statement, but is he really? In her book, Finding Faith in the Mundane, Kathleen Norris explains the relationship Jesus has throughout our everyday routines. She says, "When washing dishes, I am no better than anyone else at converting the drugery of the work into something better by means of playful abandon." How can we make, what we feel are the not so fun jobs or routines in our day, an act of worshiping God? It is sometimes hard for me to not grumble about work or cleaning around the house, etc. Its a choice.

I want to raise a question. God is with us, its a reality. Is how we act showing that? Would we complain about washing the dishes or household chores of Jesus were sitting in the same room with us? I'm not going to lie, but its somewhat easy for me to absent mindly put God aside. God wants us to look at our daily routines, as times where we can focus on him, and worship him, because this is where most of our time is spent.

The book gives a couple suggested exercises and the one I liked the most said to write PLAY on a 3x5 card and set it where you do most of your "work", as a reminder that your work can also be your play.

Blessings!

Prayer

For this weeks spiritual disipline we practiced prayer, I personally chose to practive Contemplative prayer. Like my previous post stated, I have a tendancy to have more of a one sided conversation with God. This allowed me to rest in His presence. Every morning this week I set my alarm for about ten minutes earlier. I laid in my bed and focused on each part of my body.
Monday: I prayed for guidence to use my body to serve others.
Tuesday: Allow my senses to worship you, through what I see, hear, smell, feel, and taste.
Wednesday: Let others see a light in me, teach me how to show my love for you.
Thursday: I gave thanks to God for my body. For my transplanted kidney, for the inner organs that were once so damaged, are healthy again. For my hips, that for a long time were so very painful are now pain free.
Friday: I simply focused on the word Peace.
Saturday: I thanked God for a day of rest, it was my Saturday off, and I simply rested in His name.
Sunday: I went rhough each day and pondered how God showed me exactly what I prayed for. I recounted the many times I stopped throughout the day to just say thanks God, something I feel I lack on sometimes.

God is good.

Take opportunities to rest in the glory of God this week, He will welcome it.

Blessings

"Our Father who art in Heaven...."

Prayer has been a part of my life as far as I can remember. I remember learning the Lord's prayer at a very early age, and also bed time prayers, "If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take..." but as a 22 year old, prayer has become such a bigger part of my life. Prayer has taken a role that is so much larger than a simple prayer I prayed as a child.
This week for class we have been focusing, as you can guess, prayer. This week hit me hard as I looked upon my prayer life. I will be honest in saying the many times I take the time to pray throughout the day are more requests to God than anything else. Many times I pray more if life is rough, then when life is good. I feel sometimes as if I have this check-list that I'm keeping God updated on. Once a request gets checked off, or answered then its off the list, never to be looked back upon. As we were discussing today in class, this was in the back of my mind, and I currently feel pretty guilty as I type this. Why is it that I pray more when life is tough, then when life is going well? I don't have a perfectly clear answer to this, but I know I will be trying hard to come to God in prayers of Thanksgiving more frequently because he has been so good to me.

Martin Luther says, in the excerpt from Praying in Faith "If you do not know or recognize your needs, or think you have none, then you are in the worst possible place. The greatest trouble we can ever know is thinking that we have no trouble for we have become hard-hearted and insensible to what is inside us." It's funny as I ponder many mornings at Kuyper College, when asked if there are any prayer requests, very few of us raise our hands to share. Are we becoming hard-hearted?

I agree whole heartedly on Martin Luthers thoughts on what to expect from prayer, he says, "Therefore you should confidently expect from God one of two things; either that your prayer will be granted, or, that if it is not granted, the granting of it would not be good for you."
I have seen this throughout my life. One example: soccer. Several years ago I prayed and prayed to just be able to get back on the soccer team. "It's my life God, I need to just get back in the game, to feel that rush." Yet, after several hip surgeries and a talk with my doctor, saying I would never play the game of soccer again, I didn't understand. Several years down the road, I realized, soccer was my life, it was becoming a "god". Just as Luther says, "that if it is not granted, the granting of it would not be good for you. God wanted to be number one in my life, not soccer. We all might not see the answer we want come out of a situation. A family member dies, a loss of a job, a dream shattered, but remember God knows what he is doing, he is in full control, we must learn to trust him in all outcomes.

Blessings

The Fourth Commandment

      For this week I chose my spiritual discipline to be Sabbath. I have had a few conversations with others on what it means to them to keep the Sabbath holy. We live in a world that avoids slowing down, we are constantly doing this or doing that, having our mind going and going its hard to just stop.
     Throughout the week I spent some time in thought on prayer on what my Sunday practices should look like. I wrote some thoughts down in my journal on what I would like to do to make sure Sunday is set a part from any other day in the week. Some of my thoughts were, limiting the amount of school work I do, maybe get to a point where I don't do any, taking a walk or a small nap to rest, avoid making a to-do list. This allowed me to ponder my thoughts and what God is asking me to do to keep the Sabbath special. I know the Sabbath and the practices people participate on the Sabbath are all different and we need to repsect what others believe is right or wrong. This allowed me to make a personal commitment to my Savior on how I will keep the Sabbath holy.
      Today I took a walk through the woods the length or our private drive with the dog. I spent time just basking on God's creation. I took my camera and took simple pictures of leaves, fallen trees, clouds, and of our property. I took the time to read through a devotional and replay the message I heard this morning at Church. Unfortunately with the scheduling of my week, I ended up working a little longer on my homework than I originally planned to, but I hope I can minimize the school work I do on Sundays in the future.
     I really notice the times where I treat the Sabbath like God intends us to do, verses the times I don't. This will be an on going challenge as I go through life to set a part a day to rest in the Lord.
        
    

"I spy God"

The last two weeks I have been practiving examination/ journaling for my spiritual discipline. This has allowed me, as with my discipline of silence, to take time out of my day to give to God. First week = fail. Yea, did not go so well, started out great for the first day and I realized how much I needed it. The rest, went down hill fast. But, there is hope! We had the opportunity to be able to continue on with this discipline for yet another week! Lets say this past week went so much better.

For examination, I took a few minutes before I went to bed or early in the morning to reflect on how God worked throughout my day. I feel sometimes I become a robot, so focused on habits and just getting though my day I forget to even reflect afterwards how my day even went. I sit down at the dinner table with the fam or talk on the phone with a friend, and I'm just like "yea my day went well." or "my classes were great." This allowed me to get away from "me" and focus on God. Like looking back and being in awe of the changing colors in the leaves and the fog over the fields on my way to school in the morning. The opportunity God gave me to share a little bit about my testimony to a total stranger at work.

As for the journaling aspect, I wrote down the answers to these several questions in my journal. For what moment today am I most grateful? When did I give and receive the most love today? When today did I have the deepest sense of connection with God, others and myself? It allowed me to reflect on the highs and the lows of each day. I also made a list of memories, of this past year. Times that brought me joy and the times that brought me sadness. The obstacles I overcame and the ones I'm still working on overcoming.

I challenge all who are reading my blog to take time out of their day and play, "I spy God"where did you spy God in your day?

Blessings.

We are Blessed

The three readings our class was assigned to read from the book Devotional Classics were all somewhat similar in my view, but yet touched in different aspects. Therefore, I'm going to answer a question at the end of each of the chapters for this blog.

In the final section, Augustine asks himself, "How long shall I go on saying 'Tomorrow, tomorrow'? Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?" How would you answer his question?

Well, honestly, I ask that same question myself sometimes. I believe the want to make an end to each of our sins is different for everyone. I believe there comes a time in each of our lives where the Holy Spirit knocks hard enough on our hearts to make us want to do something. It may be at some conference, or a worship night, maybe its sitting out in the woods during hunting season thinking about life when it hits you. We all need to come to a realization that this world we are living in, is not the best armor we have in fighting off what is right or wrong. We need to be able to arm ourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, no longer will this world help us stand firmly.

In section 3 Teresa of Avila describes how reason, faith, memory, the will, and understanding work together to help us overcome our desire for sin. In your own words, explain what each of these cpacities does in its efforts to help us turn from sin.

Reason: Deep down in each of our souls,we have the ability to make rational decisions. Deep down we know its a fact that this world is like a little peep hole in a door to what the glories of Heaven will be like.

Faith: Faith is putting our trust out on the table, and allowing our soul to take a belief in the powers of what God is capable of doing.

Memory: Reminds us of what we have in the world, and the worldy things we dub so important are in fact nothing. It allows us to look back on the temptations we all  have dealt with, and how it may have felt so good at the time, in the end really doesn't make us feel so good.

Will: The will pushes the soul to give it all to God. To love our Lord. It shows us how we should not feel loved my worldly things, but how God gives life and love to everything, and will never leave us.

Understanding: Allows us to have an understanding that we will never have a better, loving, and everlasting friend than Jesus Christ. Who will stand by us through thick and thin, and as we journey down each road we take. 

Reflect on your baptism. What did it mean to you (or, if you were baptized as an infant, what has it meant to you)? According to this sermon, what does it mean to God?

I was baptized as a baby, at Immanuel CRC church. I treasure my baptism and the choice my parents made to promise to raise me up in a Christian home and support me in my faith. I also treasure the church's choice to love me and encourage me in my faith as well. My family and I are now members at Ada Bible where they strongly encourage adult baptism. As I met with the elders at Ada Bible when I was going through my membership course, they asked me what my baptism mean't to me and if I would be at all interested in getting baptized as an adult. I explained how I treasure my infant baptism, but I never would want to lose the significance of the choice my parents made to have me baptized. I have yet to be baptized as an adult, but I'm not opposed. As it explains in my earlier blog about my testimony and the many health struggles I have gone through. I feel it would be an incredible way to show how God has been faithful to me throughout my journey and to remind myself of the promise I made to Him as well.

John Chrysostom says, " What the cross is to Christ, baptism is to us. Christi died in the flesh; we have died to sin. Both are deaths and both are real." What I got out of what John is saying, is our baptism is a knowing that God has forgiven us as sinners. Being baptized to me is striving to live a life pleasing to God. Its living a new life and changing certain habits.

These chapters once again reminded me how loving and caring our God is. He is with us in times of trouble, in times of temptation, and in times of difficulty. Titus 3: 3-8 says, "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.

Blessings

"Temptation is the fire that brings up the scum of the heart" -William Shakespeare

The devotional this week that really caught my eye and made me think, was of excerpts from the book "The Imitation of Christ". This chapter focused on the temptations we face on a day to day basis. What are the temptations in your life? Eating an extra piece of chocolate cake when you know you are counting calories? Is it the temptation to have sexual relations out of marriage? The temptation to jump into a group of gossipy ladies because you know you have some juicy details? Whatever each of us are dealing with, we ALL have temptations, and we ALL know we can't run away from them. They will follow us wherever we go.

Have you ever fallen into those temptations? Many times it feels good, doesn't it? But how about afterward? Do you feel regret? Did that chocolate cake really not taste that great, as you now have to walk an extra couple miles to burn it off? What about sexual relations? Did it bring you pleasure, but are you now filled with pain? Knowing you gave something away you can never get back.

I have had my own tempations, ones I've fallen into, and the ones I deal with throughout the week. I've had the feeling of regret after I eat so much cookie dough that I feel just plain yuck! How many times have I fallen into the gossip world? Honestly, probably way too many to count. I know I ask God many times throughout the day for forgiveness, but why do I keep doing some of the things I do? Why do I keep falling into temptation? Thomas Kempis says, "Peace is not found by escaping temptations, but by being tried by them. We will have discovered peace when we have been tried and come through the trial of temptation." We should not pray asking for a life free of temptations, but a life of overcoming temptations. Through these temptations I learn I need a better understanding of my need for God's help. I can't do this on my own no matter how strong and solid I think I am.

Conrinthians 10: 12-13 says "So if you think you are standing, watch out that you do not fdall. No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it."

As each of us deals with our own temptations, I pray that you and I will find peace in God. I pray we don't get frustrated through this process because it will take time, but I hope we all will get to a point where we can say we no longer have the same alluring power, and that the temptations have become more subtle. Remember the Holy Spirit is with us through times of temptation, by guiding, strengthening, and encouraging us.

Blessings.

Silence

Like I stated in my previous post, this week I practiced silence as my spiritual discipline. Biggest eye opener, I in fact did not have silence in my daily life. My silence consisted of when I slept. My spiritual discipline handbook explained silence asks for two things: patience and waiting. Two things I am not very good at.

I set a ten minute time increment each day to “check out” from life, to focus on God, to marvel in His creation, and simply rest in the presence of God. These times consisted of turning of the radio in my car on my way to school. (I lost count on how many times I reached for the dial to turn it back on) I sat in my deer blind (not with my bow or any distractions, just merely enjoying God’s creation. Taking a walk at dusk down our drive and marveling at the sunset were just some of the ways I allowed silence into my life. Was it hard? Oh yea! I had to concentrate on not allowing “my life issues” to come into my thoughts, to avoid trying to solve problems or plan the rest of my day.  As the week went on, it became a little easier to welcome silence into my life; in fact I realized how much I need it.

It was shocking to look over my day and looks back at the many conversations I was involved in, I could remember who I had it with, but not always what we talked about. The many songs that came on the radio, I couldn’t remember the ones I heard. My days start to melt together and already it’s the weekend, silence for me splits it up.  Silence brings a sense of peace in my life. It’s a time to rejuvenate, a time to be open to what God has to say, and it’s a time where I can take a step out of my day and give to the Lord.

I’m going to end this post with a quote from the book. “Lean into God, trusting that being with him will in silence will loosen your rootedness in the world and plant you by streams of living water. It can form your life, even if it doesn’t solve your life.” (Calhoun) It was hard to give up trying to solve my current problems or analyzing what happened in the day as I’m sitting there in silence, it still is, but it’s getting easier as I trust in God for peace and rest in Him.

Henri Noumen says, "We engage in the spiritual disciplines, in order to prevent the world from filling our lives to such an extent that there is no place left to listen."

Oh Boy. This week my spiritual discipline has been, silence. I will blog more about that in my next blog. But to set the stage we are reading Devotional Classics, a book compiled of many excerpts from well known Christian authors. This week as a class have been diving into "removing the false self." I have learned to take a step back and look at myself as a whole. What is it that defines me? What are things in my life that are preventing me from just listening? It has been a real eye opener to me how much I go through my day to day living by just simply living.

I confess that when I pray, its to say thanks, and then requests to God. There is never a time I just sit in peace, in solitude and am open to just listening. In the book of first kings 19: 9-13 God could have spoken to Elijah in the violent wind, the earthquake, or the fire, but instead chose to speak in a still small voice. I smile to myself when I read these vereses, because I think back to my day, to my week, did I ever give God a chance to even be heard? I learned I need solitude in my life. I need time set aside to sit in utter peace, being willing and open to allow God to speak to me.

"But to mean it when I say that I want my life to count for His glory is to drive a stake through the heart of self - a painful and determined dying to me that must be a part of every day I live."
-Louie Giglio

It is really hard for me to grasp the full meaning of giving oneself fully to Christ. C.S. Lewis says, "The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self- all your wishes and precautions- to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remaint what we call 'ourselves' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way-centured on money or pleasure or amition- and hoping , in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly." Wow. I question myself often why it is so hard to hand over my full self to Christ? I have given my heart, but what about my actions, my goals, my dreams...

As a college student, I have been in situations where I just ask , "Lord help us do well on this test." God doesn't want to just help, he wants complete control of my life. I need to be able to relinquish myself in order for him to do such that. Why is that so hard? Lewis explains, "It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; and listening to that other voice." This too, I have witnessed. I wake up, and right away am focused on what I'm doing, what I'm going wear, who I am going to see today, I, I , I. Where does God enter my thoughts, on the drive to school, as I'm listening to a worship CD? Thats not where God wants to be in my life, thats not where I want God to be in my life.

This is a work on progress, I know. I am not able to snap my fingers and be at a point in my life where I have fully given everything to God. But, I can work towards not just putting paint on a surface-as Lewis explains- but dying it like a stain, which soaks right through. A Bible verse I'm posting on my bathroom mirror states, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galations 2:20 A reminder as I start my day, life is not about Marissa, I don't live for Marissa, Christ lives in me, and I live by faith in the Son of God, who has died for me.

"Salvation is found in no one else for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

For my Spiritual Formation class at Kuyper (hence this blog) we are currently reading the book, Water from a Deep Well by Gerald Sittser. The first chapter was of the spirituality of the early Christians. Sittser states, “We will never understand Christian spirituality- what it is and what makes it unique-unless we grasp the significance of martyrdom.” How often do we think of martyrdom in this day an age? To be honest, I don’t. It wasn’t until a good friend of mine just recently said, if he could choose how he would die, it would be while he was spreading the word of God, teaching others about the gospel, and dying for Christ. I ended up thinking long and hard that night about my faith. Would I die for Christ? Could I die for Christ? What state would my heart have to be in, in order to confidently say yes?

            Over this last week the stories I read in this first chapter have really lingered in my mind.  Being a martyr is not only a way of death, but also a way of life. These martyrs encourage me today to completely give my life to Jesus Christ, just as they had. Paul states in Philippians, “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed but will have sufficient courage so that now and always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”

            We may or may not die for our faith, but what we all will have to choose between God and something else that competes for our commitment. When those times arise, may we have the courage and strength to choose God.  

Testimony

I grew up in a Christian home and was introduced to Jesus Christ by both my parents and grandparents. I was baptized as a baby, and went to Sunday school every Sunday after the service. My parents sent my to a Christian school where I started learning how to memorize Bible verses already in Kindergarten. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school, did I realize how important my relationship with Christ really was.

Most of us remember our freshman year of high school, walking down the halls staring at a map of the school trying to find your next class, all the while bumping into upper classman. The awkwardness of making new friends and trying to figure out just where you fit in. There are aspirations on what you want your high school expirience to be like, maybe homecoming queen, captain of the volleyball team, or earning the leading role of a school play. Oh boy, did I have a perfect plan on what my high school was going to consist of.

A month and a half into my freshman year of high school, after I had memorized my routes to class and found a wonderful group of friends, I hit a detour: Cancer. On October 16, 2002 I was diagnosed with Acute Mylogenous Leukemia (AML). Right away I started chemo, and went through four very hard chemo treatments. When I was just about to begin my fifth and final round of treatment, I relapsed, the cancer had come back. My only hope for a cure was a bone marrow transplant. My donor was found on the national bone marrow registry and my transplant took place May 16, 2003. I dealt with a lot of side effects, one being Graft vs. Host disease. This is when my new bone marrow saw many parts of my body as foreign, therefore attacking them. The only way to combat the Graft vs. Host disease was steroids. Steroids unfortunately have their side effects too and my bones got the brunt of that one, especially my hips. I also got a bad virus in my bladder and the medicine that helped clear the virus up was really hard on my kidneys. So in the year 2004 I started walking on crutches (which lasted a full two years) because my hips were collapsing and I was put on dialysis while waiting for a kidney transplant.

A year after my bone marrow transplant, both my donor and I were willing to connect with each other. Her name is Celeste Ryan and she lives in California with her husband and two kids. When she found out I was in need of a kidney, she did some research and found she would be the best match for me, since we now share the same DNA. She flew here to Michigan with her family and selflessly gave me her kidney on August 30, 2005. As for my hips, I had them both partially and then fully replaced. As of right now, I am considered cured of cancer, my kidney is working like a charm, and my hips are pain free! God is good!

I feel this "life detour" was the turning point in my relationship with Christ. No longer was I able to control my life, but I had to turn it over to the Lord. I learned it doesn't work to fit God into "my" story; I had to take part in His story. There is this confidence when I die, I will be going to Heaven, no longer will cancer, medication, pain, etc exist. I no longer go through "the motions" of going to church, going to a Christian school, and living my life as a Christian. I am now living my life with purpose, My faith has become even more solid, I have this confidence I didn't have before that Jesus IS my Savior, and He lives in me. God is all knowing and has a plan for all of our lives, even if its a plan we don't always understand.