"But to mean it when I say that I want my life to count for His glory is to drive a stake through the heart of self - a painful and determined dying to me that must be a part of every day I live."
-Louie Giglio

It is really hard for me to grasp the full meaning of giving oneself fully to Christ. C.S. Lewis says, "The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self- all your wishes and precautions- to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remaint what we call 'ourselves' to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way-centured on money or pleasure or amition- and hoping , in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly." Wow. I question myself often why it is so hard to hand over my full self to Christ? I have given my heart, but what about my actions, my goals, my dreams...

As a college student, I have been in situations where I just ask , "Lord help us do well on this test." God doesn't want to just help, he wants complete control of my life. I need to be able to relinquish myself in order for him to do such that. Why is that so hard? Lewis explains, "It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; and listening to that other voice." This too, I have witnessed. I wake up, and right away am focused on what I'm doing, what I'm going wear, who I am going to see today, I, I , I. Where does God enter my thoughts, on the drive to school, as I'm listening to a worship CD? Thats not where God wants to be in my life, thats not where I want God to be in my life.

This is a work on progress, I know. I am not able to snap my fingers and be at a point in my life where I have fully given everything to God. But, I can work towards not just putting paint on a surface-as Lewis explains- but dying it like a stain, which soaks right through. A Bible verse I'm posting on my bathroom mirror states, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galations 2:20 A reminder as I start my day, life is not about Marissa, I don't live for Marissa, Christ lives in me, and I live by faith in the Son of God, who has died for me.

"Salvation is found in no one else for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

For my Spiritual Formation class at Kuyper (hence this blog) we are currently reading the book, Water from a Deep Well by Gerald Sittser. The first chapter was of the spirituality of the early Christians. Sittser states, “We will never understand Christian spirituality- what it is and what makes it unique-unless we grasp the significance of martyrdom.” How often do we think of martyrdom in this day an age? To be honest, I don’t. It wasn’t until a good friend of mine just recently said, if he could choose how he would die, it would be while he was spreading the word of God, teaching others about the gospel, and dying for Christ. I ended up thinking long and hard that night about my faith. Would I die for Christ? Could I die for Christ? What state would my heart have to be in, in order to confidently say yes?

            Over this last week the stories I read in this first chapter have really lingered in my mind.  Being a martyr is not only a way of death, but also a way of life. These martyrs encourage me today to completely give my life to Jesus Christ, just as they had. Paul states in Philippians, “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed but will have sufficient courage so that now and always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”

            We may or may not die for our faith, but what we all will have to choose between God and something else that competes for our commitment. When those times arise, may we have the courage and strength to choose God.  

Testimony

I grew up in a Christian home and was introduced to Jesus Christ by both my parents and grandparents. I was baptized as a baby, and went to Sunday school every Sunday after the service. My parents sent my to a Christian school where I started learning how to memorize Bible verses already in Kindergarten. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school, did I realize how important my relationship with Christ really was.

Most of us remember our freshman year of high school, walking down the halls staring at a map of the school trying to find your next class, all the while bumping into upper classman. The awkwardness of making new friends and trying to figure out just where you fit in. There are aspirations on what you want your high school expirience to be like, maybe homecoming queen, captain of the volleyball team, or earning the leading role of a school play. Oh boy, did I have a perfect plan on what my high school was going to consist of.

A month and a half into my freshman year of high school, after I had memorized my routes to class and found a wonderful group of friends, I hit a detour: Cancer. On October 16, 2002 I was diagnosed with Acute Mylogenous Leukemia (AML). Right away I started chemo, and went through four very hard chemo treatments. When I was just about to begin my fifth and final round of treatment, I relapsed, the cancer had come back. My only hope for a cure was a bone marrow transplant. My donor was found on the national bone marrow registry and my transplant took place May 16, 2003. I dealt with a lot of side effects, one being Graft vs. Host disease. This is when my new bone marrow saw many parts of my body as foreign, therefore attacking them. The only way to combat the Graft vs. Host disease was steroids. Steroids unfortunately have their side effects too and my bones got the brunt of that one, especially my hips. I also got a bad virus in my bladder and the medicine that helped clear the virus up was really hard on my kidneys. So in the year 2004 I started walking on crutches (which lasted a full two years) because my hips were collapsing and I was put on dialysis while waiting for a kidney transplant.

A year after my bone marrow transplant, both my donor and I were willing to connect with each other. Her name is Celeste Ryan and she lives in California with her husband and two kids. When she found out I was in need of a kidney, she did some research and found she would be the best match for me, since we now share the same DNA. She flew here to Michigan with her family and selflessly gave me her kidney on August 30, 2005. As for my hips, I had them both partially and then fully replaced. As of right now, I am considered cured of cancer, my kidney is working like a charm, and my hips are pain free! God is good!

I feel this "life detour" was the turning point in my relationship with Christ. No longer was I able to control my life, but I had to turn it over to the Lord. I learned it doesn't work to fit God into "my" story; I had to take part in His story. There is this confidence when I die, I will be going to Heaven, no longer will cancer, medication, pain, etc exist. I no longer go through "the motions" of going to church, going to a Christian school, and living my life as a Christian. I am now living my life with purpose, My faith has become even more solid, I have this confidence I didn't have before that Jesus IS my Savior, and He lives in me. God is all knowing and has a plan for all of our lives, even if its a plan we don't always understand.